These days and nights of midlife changes are sometimes long and seem unending. Monday night was one of those nights. Wide awake at 1:20 a.m., my mind wandered. It could have been the excitement of trick or treating just hours before with our 3 year old; or the effects of too much chocolate; the excitement of a dream coming true in its infancy; or the mile-long list of things I need to get done. It could have been just a result of this ‘thorn in my flesh’ that has introduced a side of me I have never known. Any of these reasons could have been the culprit keeping me awake or it could have been a mix of it all. Whatever the cause, I was awake the rest of the night.
Finally at 4:00, I moved to the living room couch. My alarm would be sounding in just 30 minutes, and I thought maybe I could nod off for a power nap.
Not a chance. Sigh.
After my coffee and quiet time, because ”but first, coffee and Jesus”, I bumbled through the dark house to my bathroom. My foggy mind wasn't with it enough to turn the phone light away from me, therefore was of no use to me as I stumbled through the dark. Instead of allowing me to see where I was going, the light from the phone was blinding. Bumping into the door made this clear to me. The minute I turned the phone away from me, I was able to see the floor directly in front of me.
It occurred to me that this was how I existed spiritually far too long...stumbling around in the darkness of this world blinded by The Light of Jesus. Instead of allowing Him to be the lamp unto my feet and the light for my path, I viewed myself, my life, and the rest of the world through a lens of legalism. It was difficult to see Truth while I thought it was all about what I did.
Believing lies fed to me by the enemy of my soul that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or thin enough for this world led me to believe the same about God Almighty. For much of my life, I felt the heat of His angry stare frustrated at the fact I couldn’t get it right. I believed that His Light was for other people...those that acted right most of the time and those that brought others to Him and didn't sass their husbands or mothers or gossip and who weren't fearful or anxious and did all the things that His Word said that good Christians do. No...I operated as a victim and while I stumbled around in that mentality, I grasped at the coattails of others and took them down with me. I was hurt...so that’s what I passed around.
Thankfully, I’ve come to realize that the Light in me is His work, and my part is a yielded heart. Shining the Light in the eyes of others will cause them to shield their eyes in avoidance instead of running toward it. He must be a lamp unto MY feet and a light for MY path. That is what I am responsible for...every day...every minute...and in all things.