Numerous times I’ve tried to put this story into a nutshell, and every time I fall short. In the effort of it all I’ve realized that some things aren’t meant for nutshells and this story is one of them. It’s a God-Story. He is the Author and the only reason it unfolded as it did. My prayer is that Hope would find its way into the hearts of anyone who reads this, and that you would know above anything else how much God loves you and wants to bless your life with good things. He knows all about that thing that you are waiting for and He’s got a good good plan to bring it to fruition. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop hoping. And don’t stop believing.
My security blanket had become wounds from my past. I wallowed a lot in the pain and discontent of things to which I felt entitled but had not yet received. After all, most everyone I knew had what I wanted, and in my head it wasn’t an extravagant request.
A baby. That was all I wanted.
From the time I was a little girl I fully expected to be a mom...never envisioning it to be a problem. However, infertility was my reality...an unfulfilled longing and unanswered prayer for over fifteen years.
This limp I had walked with and endured for so long had become my covering and by now it was what I knew how to wear best. I wrestled God over it through a difficult marriage. I was taunted by it in the midst of divorce and mocked by it during my second round of single-hood. Hopelessness had become my banner and I had learned how to stand under it well.
The emptiness inside me was desperate to be filled, so change became my constant during that season. I moved from Denver to Austin back to Denver and then to Dallas within a span of 7 months. I worked 7 different jobs within a year and a half. Nothing satisfied or filled that pesky void that I thought only a baby could fill.
One thing didn’t change, though, and that was the presence of God in my life. Through the emotional, drama-filled twists and turns, He gently and patiently showed up and listened to my persistent petitions to give me what I wanted so I could quit bugging Him. He saw me at my worst, listened to every plea and was the target of my frustration on many occasions. Together we covered a lot of emotional ground in 15 years and He never once turned His back on me.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
So familiar with me, He's the only one who could have known that a simple phone call to my mom on Mother's Day would be the first in a chain of events to ignite hope and escort us into a long-awaited answer to prayer.
May 12, 2013 ~ Mothers Day...
This day was hard. Every year. And every year, in the days and hours leading up to Mothers Day, this was my inner conversation...
“This year it won't be difficult. I really think I'm fine. The fact that I am still childless...at [40, 41, 42, 43, 44] is not a big deal. This is never going to happen for me and it’s ok. I have a good life. God has been so faithful to bring me such a wonderful man to do life with and has given me such a wonderful second chance at love. And that’s all I really need. I should make sure, though, to stay off all social media so I won’t have to see everyone post about the wonderful ways in which they are being honored by their children. I can watch church online so I won’t feel left out and sad when they ask all the moms to stand and be recognized and given a beautiful long-stemmed flower. Go to the store on Friday so you can dodge all the men who haven’t planned ahead for their wives and are buying flowers on Mother’s Day. Yes!! This is a good plan and this is the year it will be easy.”
The sun would peek over the horizon of the Hallmark holiday and the floodgates of my heavy heart would burst and tears would flow from a place deeper and more painful than I knew existed. And for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. I mean...I had a plan!
I would wonder out loud to God,
"Will this ever not be difficult?"
"Will I ever not wonder if You have heard any of my prayers?"
"Will this longing ever completely go away?"
The enemy of my soul would whisper his usual reminder,
"No…this is never going to happen for you. You don’t deserve it. And God is laughing at you. Move on, Girl."
Burying the ache, I would resuscitate hope. Hope...that maybe next year it won't hurt quite as badly as it did this time.
I sat on the bed and leaned against the headboard. Relieved that this day was almost over, I dialed Mom and Dad. While it rang I realized that Mother's Day 2013 had proven to be no different. This, in fact was not the year it didn’t phase me. But my plan to withdraw from the world, where want and desire loom, had gotten me to the end of the day and tomorrow I would be fine.
Which is code for numb.
My mom's voice on the other end snapped me back into the moment. I softened at the sound of it because truly there is no other earthly voice that can soothe my distraught soul than that of my mom and dad.
She’d had a good day and recounted to me their comings and goings and the wonderful ways in which my dad honored her.
After church and lunch, we went to baccalaureate and sat behind the Kimbros. We just started visiting and they asked all about you. I told them a little bit about you and Brad, and I don’t know why but I mentioned that you all had never been able to have a baby and how hard that's been on you. And then Katie said, "I know of a baby right now that needs a home…