Sometimes I don't feel God near. I wonder where to find Him or if I'll find Him. I end up working really hard to connect with Him and wear myself out in the process because I'm led to believe His work and His touch can only be demonstrated when I am behaving well.

I was reminded this morning that He is always there and He can speak and will speak when I just sit still and allow my heart to spill out before Him. He reminds me of His way. And He reminds me of His will. And He gently offers for me to choose it.

I downloaded this song by Zach Williams over the weekend. Jesus is this and more. So much more.

Chain Breaker
Zach Williams

If you’ve been walking the same old road for miles and miles
If you’ve been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies
If you’re trying to feel the same old holes inside
There’s a better life
There’s a better life

If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker

We’ve all searched for the light of day in the dead of night
We’ve all found ourselves worn out from the same old fight
We’ve all run to things we know just ain’t right
And there’s a better life
There’s a better life

If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker

If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify

If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify, testify

If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify
​
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker

​Songwriters: Jonathan Lindley Smith / Mia Fieldes / Zach Williams

Chain Breaker lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

These days and nights of midlife changes are sometimes long and seem unending. Monday night was one of those nights. Wide awake at 1:20 a.m., my mind wandered.  It could have been the excitement of trick or treating just hours before with our 3 year old; or the effects of too much chocolate; the excitement of a dream coming true in its infancy; or the mile-long list of things I need to get done. It could have been just a result of this ‘thorn in my flesh’ that has introduced a side of me I have never known. Any of these reasons could have been the culprit keeping me awake or it could have been a mix of it all. Whatever the cause, I was awake the rest of the night.

Finally at 4:00, I moved to the living room couch. My alarm would be sounding in just 30 minutes, and I thought maybe I could nod off for a power nap.

Not a chance. Sigh.

After my coffee and quiet time, because ”but first, coffee and Jesus”, I bumbled through the dark house to my bathroom. My foggy mind wasn't with it enough to turn the phone light away from me, therefore was of no use to me as I stumbled through the dark. Instead of allowing me to see where I was going, the light from the phone was blinding. Bumping into the door made this clear to me. The minute I turned the phone away from me, I was able to see the floor directly in front of me.

It occurred to me that this was how I existed spiritually far too long...stumbling around in the darkness of this world blinded by The Light of Jesus. Instead of allowing Him to be the lamp unto my feet and the light for my path, I viewed myself, my life, and the rest of the world through a lens of legalism.  It was difficult to see Truth while I thought it was all about what I did.

Believing lies fed to me by the enemy of my soul that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or thin enough for this world led me to believe the same about God Almighty.  For much of my life, I felt the heat of His angry stare frustrated at the fact I couldn’t get it right.  I believed that His Light was for other people...those that acted right most of the time and those that brought others to Him and didn't sass their husbands or mothers or gossip and who weren't fearful or anxious and did all the things that His Word said that good Christians do. No...I operated as a victim and while I stumbled around in that mentality, I grasped at the coattails of others and took them down with me. I was hurt...so that’s what I passed around.


Thankfully, I’ve come to realize that the Light in me is His work, and my part is a yielded heart.  Shining the Light in the eyes of others will cause them to shield their eyes in avoidance instead of running toward it.  He must be a lamp unto MY feet and a light for MY path.  That is what I am responsible for...every day...every minute...and in all things.  

So I stuck my finger in my toddler's mouth yesterday, and I found three new molars at the back...

Now I know why he's been a maniac for the last two months.

Duh!

The lump in my throat grew bigger with each tear that fell from my toddler's eyes that morning. I could feel the depth of his desire as if it were my own. And as his mommy, my desire to fulfill his was just as great. All I was able to do was hold him close and tell him I understood. 

As he peered over the half-door into his classroom all he could see on the table was the playdoh. Again. It was the same tired activity he did yesterday. And the day before. Oh...and the day before that. He just couldn't bear to mold that dough into one more sea creature. Summer camp should be so much more! 

With his head buried in my shoulder he lamented once more, "I want to build sandcastles."  

I've been there. I understand the frustration of wanting something so badly that crying and throwing a fit seems the only logical response to the alternative. I get how tantalizing a glimpse of something other than what I've got can look. Sandcastles always trump playdoh.  

As I left my crying toddler in the arms of his teacher, my eyes filled with tears.  I wanted so badly to go back and get him and take him to the sandbox to let him build to his heart's content. I'm convinced that God gave me this child to teach me more about discipline in my own life more than his.  

After whispering a prayer for him (and me), I heard a tender whisper back to me from the Lord...Sometimes working the playdoh is a skill necessary for building sandcastles. 

Whoa! And gulp!!

This took me back to so many times over my life when I have begged and pleaded with God to get me out of a situation, circumstance or season. So many times I have bawled my eyes out as I told myself and Him I just couldn't take one more minute of this.  I'm so thankful He just held me close and told me He understood; that he left me there to work that playdoh.  Because now I see that those very situations or circumstances were necessary for the beautiful and carefully crafted sandcastles He has built for me.

Psalm 126:2-3 

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

The last couple weeks have been hard fought. Our toddler is in the throes of discovering and testing limits, boundaries, and rules. Testing is an understatement. He is boldly facing his giants and strategically taking them down!  I am not going to lie...I am one of them! 

This is the part of children that people don't speak of in detail. It is referred to as the terrible twos but people just don't go into detail, and now I know why.  It is a season parents want to block out and not speak of for fear of ending up in a corner sucking a thumb in the fetal position.  It's horrible. It's unpredictable. It can sneak up on you and knock your feet right out from under you leaving you sprawled on the floor with the overwhelming temptation to tap out! 

Anyway...alongside the terrible twos, our little one is in the midst of his 2 year old sleep regression. Y'all...I can't even...

It's been hard on us. It's been hard on him.  Our marriage has definitely been tested.  And I've been on my knees a lot.  I know God has a sense of humor which is why I think he thought up the whole idea of parenting. Yesterday, while the rest of the nation was celebrating the 4th of July, we got a reprieve from all the stress of nobody sleeping.  

The man child finally went down for a nap and we were trying to get stuff together to get out of the house for some holiday fun. B was in the office figuring out which local festivities we would attend and I was working on gathering all the stuff you have to take with you when you leave the house with a toddler.  You know...all the snacks, swim gear, festival wear, and items that will distract them when they lose it over not being able to push the stroller "by self!" But also all the items you'll need if you suddenly have to change activities for no good reason whatsoever!

I was on the back porch getting towels that had been left to dry in the sun and when I picked one up from the ground something darted out from under it so quickly I couldn't see what it was. But when something moves that quickly...uhhh...I do too!! I was back up by the door in one leap looking for it when it darted across the porch again. A spider! I have never in all of my years of seeing spiders seen one move that quickly. And it freaked me out!  It not only ran fast but it was big and brown. 

When he stopped to rest, I hurried inside to get a shoe for killing doing my best to remain quiet so not to wake the beast in the crib. I couldn't yell for Brad nor did I have time to go get him. It was all on me and I was praying for the God of the Angel Armies to give me some power!  

When I returned with my weapon he was still resting under the water table.  As I was about to strike him, he took off TOWARD me!  OH.EM.GEE!!! In one giant leap I was across the patio and in the doorway.  Peering over my shoulder to spot the enemy, he had disappeared. 

Sweating and out of breath, I came inside and closed the door totally freaked. Brad came walking in to see what all the ruckus was. Red-faced and panting I said, "Spider. Big. Brown. I can't. It's scary! It might be inside. I don't know. Please help!"

So B took over. We looked around inside and couldn't find him, so he...very carefully and quietly...went back out to the porch. Shoe in hand, he began slowly and methodically lifting things to find that sucker. After several minutes we decided he probably ran back into the yard and we would not find him. I had been standing on the inside of the doorway cheering him on. Brad made a move to walk inside and when he did, that stinkin spider darted in front of him and came toward me again! He was now inside my house!  We were both running and that thing was chasing us. Brad was yelling, "Get me some bug spray," and I was silently screaming as I was sprinting to the bathroom. We WERE NOT going to wake the babe! 

When I got back in to the living room, Brad had him cornered. I handed him the wasp and hornet poison and he drenched it.  He wanted to make sure he was dead so he struck him with the killing shoe 4 or 5 times while that thing bounced all over the place. 

Y'all.  I was undone!  

And then we laughed. And laughed. And it was a welcome sight to see in this house. 

Only God can know how big life situations and circumstances can be to us. As we try to distract our toddler, so He finds things to divert our eyes to help us lighten up. And I know He had to be getting a kick out of watching us run from that spider.  

Only Jesus could know how far He's brought me and the depths from which he has rescued me. I'm humbled and grateful. Deeply grateful.

He is my rock. My portion. My deliverer. And because of Him I am no longer a slave to fear.
​

Proverbs 31:25  She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she can laugh at the days to come.

Applying my mascara last Sunday morning, I noticed that all manner of wrinkle lines were extending up and out from the top and bottom of my pursed lips.  Always on the lookout for natural things that will help me look, feel, and act younger, I remembered an article that I read somewhere at some point in time that said that if you smiled more, the less wrinkles you would have.  Since I’m not one to believe everything I read, I SO tried it!!  

It was quite a sight…me applying my make-up with the biggest, most fake smile you could imagine.  I resembled a goofy character from SNL.  But as I continued to smile from ear to ear, my smile turned to a giggle because I looked so darn nuts in the mirror. As I  pictured  my husband walking in while I was smiling, that giggle turned into laughing...ya know...hard. Like belly laughing.  Then tears...oh the tears...were messing up my freshly applied make-up but I wouldn't stop. As soon as I gained composure, the giggling began again. And I spent a good 5 minutes cracking myself up. 

And you know...it completely changed my morning. I mean...I wasn't  in a cranky mood to begin with; I guess I was just kinda blah...going through the motions to get on with my day, but by the time I finished my little experiment, I actually had joy. My heart felt lighter. My worries were absent in the midst of those moments.  And my inner voice was at peace.  It was good.  It was different. It was good.  

In the day after dayness of my journey, I hope I can remember this...that joy isn't something that just comes natural to me.  I'm fairly certain my husband would agree!  And neither is any other fruit of the Spirit. In this world where heartache, pain, bad news, monotony, and ick constantly surround us, joy is something to be pursued; and to obtain it takes action.   Plastering a goofy smile across my face while I apply make-up; finding a way to make unfunny things funny; waking up early to spend quiet time with the Lord; whatever I must do I must do!  

The first four weeks of summer have been spent road tripping. I've literally come home from one trip, thrown laundry in the washer and packed it right back up to turn around and leave for another one.

It's been so much fun!

During the first week we trotted off to OKC to spend a few days with my parents. I feel so fortunate that both my folks at 79 and 81 still enjoy good health and that they are feisty enough to enjoy their youngest grandson.

The next week we hijacked Brad's business trip to Austin and hung out with my sister, niece, and nephew while he worked.

After that we spent a few nights in Corsicana catching up with my two besties from high school.

And on the 4th of July we headed south to spend the week on S. Padre Island to soak up some sun and good seafood.

In between trips we have played our little hearts out, spent time with friends and family, and eaten all kinds of good food.

I'm so grateful for quality time with my favorite people. My heart is full.