Writing a letter to a complete stranger to ask if you can adopt the life growing inside them makes for an awkward situation. I mean how, exactly, should you say it? I must have started a letter just to wad it up and cast it aside more than a dozen times. Realizing that no words would make this un-awkward, I just wrote. Whatever words came out of my pen, I wrote. After all, this opportunity had come about because of God, and getting tangled up in my fears was a waste of precious time.

After reading it, proofing it, and analyzing it, I passed it on to my husband for his thoughts. He also read, proofed, and analyzed it. The minute he blessed it, I sealed that envelope and rushed it to the post office.

When waiting on a life-changing event that may or may not happen, patience is the.most.difficult challenge of all. At least for me.

Waiting for a response from her was excruciating. In this digital age where we have answers immediately to almost everything and have come to so desperately need it, snail mail was less than satisfactory. Nonetheless, it was our only option.

I believe when God makes us wait for something, all He really wants from us is to enjoy our life that He has already given us and thank Him for it every day.

During the wait, I was tempted daily and multiple times a day to wear discouragement and unbelief. Often I gave in to that temptation and moped around, gave in to angry outbursts, cried uncontrollably, and pointed my frustration at other people. I guess you could say I was much like a bridezilla. A mom-to-be-zilla if you will.

Two measly weeks later, I opened the mailbox, and a letter from a prison inmate sat on top of a stack of other less important mail. I opened it gently. Haha…just kidding! I tore into it and sat in disbelief at her message…

Hello. I received your card in the mail yesterday and wanted to get back in contact with you. I have recently made plans for my baby and have chosen a family for him.

However. (Oh…Hallelujah...I love however!)

God laid it on my heart to share your card with a good friend of mine who is in the same situation. She read your card and is definitely interested in giving her baby up for adoption, and she is interested in meeting with both of you soon. Her baby is due in September.
​
~~~~~

Two voices whispered...one a little louder than the other.

Don't get too excited…she won't choose you.
and
I will never leave nor forsake you.

~~~~~

Choices. Choices...

Sticking my neck out there is not a usual characteristic of mine. Playing it safe is more my cup of tea. This prompting offered me another opportunity to choose faith or fear.
​
~~~~

I uttered a prayer while the phone rang.

Lord...please soften the heart of the one who answers.

“...Correctional Institute, how may I help you?”

“Uhhh...my name is Deanna and I am calling about one of your inmates who is pregnant.

With a baby. (Duh!)

She and I have a mutual friend who told me that she requested prayer at one of the bible studies for someone to take her baby when it's born because she does not have anyone to take it and my husband and I are possibly interested in adopting the baby can you give me a contact name or some information about what I need to do?”

Gasp!

My nervousness was obvious.

The motherly voice on the other end asked me if I had contacted the baby’s mother yet. When I told her that I hadn't because I wasn't sure what I needed to do or how to go about contacting her, that sweet angel gave me the information I would need to contact her along with the name and number of her case manager.

My heart leapt.

~~~~

After a quick text to my husband and two confidants telling them to pray, I dialed the number of the case manager.

Somewhat relieved it went to voicemail, my shaky voice blurted out a message and then I hung up. Full of emotion and uncertain that my message made any sense, I got up and went about my day, phone in pocket and notepad in hand.

My phone never rang.

By day’s end I had two voices battling for my attention. One poked fun of me for believing this could actually happen for us.

The other beckoned me with a calm assurance...I will never leave nor forsake you.

Brad and I came back together after a few days of separately pondering the possibility and covering it in prayer. He asked if I had been given any clarity, and when I told him what came into light for me, that was enough for him to bless the decision to move forward. He expressed his concern for us to stay vigilant in prayer and not allow the process that would undoubtedly be challenging to come between us or the goal of adopting a baby become an idol.

Wise words from a wise man.

When a divine appointment is laid in front of you, it infuriates the enemy of your soul. Any barrier he can construct or re-construct becomes his agenda. He knows all about the power of Hope inside his targets and will stop at nothing to de-construct it.

~~~~

“The mother hasn't been back to bible study and Katie doesn't have any information at all. I don't know what to do. I knew this was too good to be true, and this isn’t going to happen for us.”

Hopeless and discouraged, I spewed my angst on my sister.

She questioned, “Have you been praying about it?”

Perturbed, I shot back. “The end of the school year has been nuts! Work is overwhelming right now, and with everyone at my house for the wedding and graduation festivities, I can’t find any time to myself to gather my thoughts or needs to even talk to God about it!”

“Well...I’m not sure what to tell you.”

Wise words from a wise woman!

Her response humbled me. I realized the only thing over which I had control in this situation was to pray. Fervently.

Neither God nor the enemy were going to make it easy. Only I had the power to choose fear or faith. If I chose fear, I would suffer the consequences. If I chose faith, I would reap the benefits.

I ended the call and knew my sister was right. I had to hit my knees and approach this thing from there for the duration of this adventure.

~~~~

Thursday, 6.13.13

Thankfully I’m in a profession that allows me a good chunk of time off to rest, recover, and play.

I started my day with quiet time in God’s Word and prayer. As always, I knew to position my heart with thankfulness and in agreement with Him about my ungrateful attitude I had been wearing. And then I picked up my wants and needs regarding this baby situation and I laid it all out before Him.

Here's what is on my heart, Lord: This baby in Oklahoma that may or may not be born yet. You created him and you created his mom, and I know you have a good plan for him. I don't know why this situation has crossed our path and I don't really understand how we fit in to it. But you do. And Lord, I don't know what to do. Nothing has happened and my friend doesn’t know anything. I don't know what you want me to do...or if you want me to do anything...

Call the prison.

Ummm...what?

Call the prison.
Tell them the scenario.
Ask for a contact name.
Trust.

Lord, I'm scared. What do I say?

Crickets.

I was barely off the phone when the enemy pressed in hard...

Don’t go tell Brad about this. It’s outlandish and the chances that God is going to do anything to help you is is laughable! Besides no one would choose you to be the mother of their baby anyway.

I’m not sure why I ignored the lies this time when falling for them had become so natural. Certainly it wasn’t me, but Hope in me, that defied the natural response. I got off the bed and marched straight into the room where my husband was sitting and told him about our friends I hadn’t seen in ages who knows a girl in prison that is pregnant and doesn’t have a family to take her baby. And...uhhh...the baby is due in about 5 weeks.

Hmmmm.

That was his response.

Why don’t we both pray about it this week and discuss it next week.

~~~~~~~~~~~
​
Praying is exactly what I did. Or begging. The two had become synonymous by that point in my wrestling match with God and discerning between them was pointless. What mattered was that I was still wrestling. I hadn’t tapped out yet.

Over the next week, this new possibility was the focus of my time with Him.

One thing I had learned was to be thankful in my petitions...regardless of my feelings...along with worship and praise. I had learned that how I approached Him mattered because it not only gave Him the respect He deserved, but it placed me in a childlike posture with the ability to receive. He requires things of us that are for our good.

I prayed for wisdom beyond our own. For a peace that would pass understanding. For clarity. And for both of us to receive the same message regarding this trek we might step into.

I also laid out every horrible thought and fear that was poking around my thought life. I cried. I laughed. I said, “Could this be?”. And then I fully received the leaping of my heart at the possibility that the answer could be “Yes, Beloved.”

As usual, the adversary tossed me some ridicule for the new Hope in me.

This time I tossed back.

He will never leave nor forsake me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later, I was up early before work, again petitioning. I opened my Bible and before I could get to the scripture of the day, two verses popped into my mind...

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

And...

Psalm 82:3-4
Defend the weak and the fatherless;
uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

After reading them in context, I sat quietly and let those scriptures dance around in my head for a while.

This isn't about you. Your comfort. Your lifestyle. Your finances. What you are capable of or not capable of.

At all.

It is about Me and the Hope I give. It is about a baby, who I created and for whom I have a plan.

If I can't use you, I can find someone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~

He hears us when we ramble from our hearts. He’s in touch with our fears. He knows our flaws. He sees our circumstances.

And sometimes...
...He spells out His.very.simple.Truth.

We recently started a little system with our five year old where he can earn money for tending to his 5 responsibilities.

He eagerly anticipates pay day and asks daily, “When is pay day? How many sleeps till pay day?” He studies his lego magazines and dreams about that one he wants next when pay day finally comes. Persistence is not a problem for this one as he continuously probes us for when when when the moment will come for him to redeem his earnings for that thing he’s longed for.

I respond, more often than I’d like to admit, with annoyance at all the inquiry. Feeling like a broken record, I tell him to trust me to do what I already told him numerous times I would do. Sometimes I utter, “Don’t ask again!”

And then...God whispers to my soul I know someone else who persistently petitions for things her heart longs for.

I’m gently reminded that He doesn’t respond to my longing with annoyance. Instead He comforts, reassures, and delights that I know He’s the only one who can fully satisfy and that I keep bringing it up. He desires for me to come. To bring to Him my wants and needs. To lay down the burden. To bring myself. To entrust every morsel to His ways and His timing and to believe He will do what He said He would do.

​Persistence was His idea, and I don’t think He minds being a broken record.

And then He says...go. Play. Enjoy the blessings I’ve already given you.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I've never been one to make resolutions at the dawn of a new year.  Maybe it's because for so long the ones I did commit to were only given breath for a moment or two while the rest of the year the lie of shame and condemnation for not following through strangled and sent it to the grave.  That cycle of defeat was my prison for so long.

This year was no different...in making resolutions...that is.  Instead, I prayed that God would give me a word for this year...one that would put a special mark on 2018 as a breakout year.  One that was ordained by Him.  One that would require more of Him and less of me.  One I couldn't take credit for, but would testify of His goodness.

It's only fitting that the word He gave me was freedom.  I mentioned not long ago that I was in a season of healing, and He impressed upon me not long after to not linger in that process.  It's time to take up my mat and walk.

In light of this revelation, I wanted to stay alert for a way to help me remember what transpires in 2018.  

This beautiful measuring cup was a Christmas present to me from my sister. When I took it to my kitchen, I put it in the cabinet with the rest of my measuring cups and quickly realized it didn't belong there.  It did not look right, and it did not fit in with the rest of the cups. Obviously this measuring cup had a different purpose.  I set it on my kitchen counter as a decorative piece and thought back on 2017. Whispering a prayer of thanksgiving for getting us through it, I struggled to recall when relief came or prayers had been answered regarding some dreadfully difficult obstacles.  

Let's measure your life in love.

I love when He speaks to me.  It's always crystal clear and always a good idea.

So I gathered some Christmasy scrapbook paper and cut them down to note-size pieces.  I placed them in my beautiful measuring cup and as this year unfolds, I will record its significance.  My plan is that at some point on New Year's Eve 2018, we will pull those notes out and reflect.

I hope I remember to do this.  I hope I can view the circumstances and situations that arise with a fresh perspective.  I hope I grow in Grace.  In Love.  And in Hope.  And I hope...beyond all hopes...to know this love that surpasses knowledge and to be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:19)

​Happy New Year!

​I'm in a season of healing.  Wounds that I didn't even know I had have been brought into the Light, and I'm abundantly grateful.  Seasons are made up many different kinds of days, and I've found that this one has consisted of sunny days of revelation, stormy days of pain, cloudy days of confusion, and windy days of change.

I'm learning to stop wishing the undesirable days away.  They are there for a purpose.  They carry me into the next day.  The next season.  Embracing them helps me practice the beautiful discipline of Being...

     ...in the moment
     ...still...and knowing that He.Is.God.
     ...at peace
     ...alert
     ...made whole

It opens up my ears to hear the still, small voice of The Holy Spirit...

Peace.  That's what I leave you.  When your stomach is in knots and your mind is racing, that is not from Me.

Pay attention to your body.  To your mind.  To your soul.  To your strength.

Remember the picture of the iceberg.  Whatever is visible to your eye is the product of what's buried underneath.

So when you realize what's visible...turn your vessel back to the calm waters.