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Angel...

5/21/2019

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Sticking my neck out there is not a usual characteristic of mine. Playing it safe is more my cup of tea. This prompting offered me another opportunity to choose faith or fear.
​
~~~~

I uttered a prayer while the phone rang.

Lord...please soften the heart of the one who answers.

“...Correctional Institute, how may I help you?”

“Uhhh...my name is Deanna and I am calling about one of your inmates who is pregnant.

With a baby. (Duh!)

She and I have a mutual friend who told me that she requested prayer at one of the bible studies for someone to take her baby when it's born because she does not have anyone to take it and my husband and I are possibly interested in adopting the baby can you give me a contact name or some information about what I need to do?”

Gasp!

My nervousness was obvious.

The motherly voice on the other end asked me if I had contacted the baby’s mother yet. When I told her that I hadn't because I wasn't sure what I needed to do or how to go about contacting her, that sweet angel gave me the information I would need to contact her along with the name and number of her case manager.

My heart leapt.

~~~~

After a quick text to my husband and two confidants telling them to pray, I dialed the number of the case manager.

Somewhat relieved it went to voicemail, my shaky voice blurted out a message and then I hung up. Full of emotion and uncertain that my message made any sense, I got up and went about my day, phone in pocket and notepad in hand.

My phone never rang.

By day’s end I had two voices battling for my attention. One poked fun of me for believing this could actually happen for us.

The other beckoned me with a calm assurance...I will never leave nor forsake you.
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Clarity...

5/19/2019

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Brad and I came back together after a few days of separately pondering the possibility and covering it in prayer. He asked if I had been given any clarity, and when I told him what came into light for me, that was enough for him to bless the decision to move forward. He expressed his concern for us to stay vigilant in prayer and not allow the process that would undoubtedly be challenging to come between us or the goal of adopting a baby become an idol.

Wise words from a wise man.

When a divine appointment is laid in front of you, it infuriates the enemy of your soul. Any barrier he can construct or re-construct becomes his agenda. He knows all about the power of Hope inside his targets and will stop at nothing to de-construct it.

~~~~

“The mother hasn't been back to bible study and Katie doesn't have any information at all. I don't know what to do. I knew this was too good to be true, and this isn’t going to happen for us.”

Hopeless and discouraged, I spewed my angst on my sister.

She questioned, “Have you been praying about it?”

Perturbed, I shot back. “The end of the school year has been nuts! Work is overwhelming right now, and with everyone at my house for the wedding and graduation festivities, I can’t find any time to myself to gather my thoughts or needs to even talk to God about it!”

“Well...I’m not sure what to tell you.”

Wise words from a wise woman!

Her response humbled me. I realized the only thing over which I had control in this situation was to pray. Fervently.

Neither God nor the enemy were going to make it easy. Only I had the power to choose fear or faith. If I chose fear, I would suffer the consequences. If I chose faith, I would reap the benefits.

I ended the call and knew my sister was right. I had to hit my knees and approach this thing from there for the duration of this adventure.

~~~~

Thursday, 6.13.13

Thankfully I’m in a profession that allows me a good chunk of time off to rest, recover, and play.

I started my day with quiet time in God’s Word and prayer. As always, I knew to position my heart with thankfulness and in agreement with Him about my ungrateful attitude I had been wearing. And then I picked up my wants and needs regarding this baby situation and I laid it all out before Him.

Here's what is on my heart, Lord: This baby in Oklahoma that may or may not be born yet. You created him and you created his mom, and I know you have a good plan for him. I don't know why this situation has crossed our path and I don't really understand how we fit in to it. But you do. And Lord, I don't know what to do. Nothing has happened and my friend doesn’t know anything. I don't know what you want me to do...or if you want me to do anything...

Call the prison.

Ummm...what?

Call the prison.
Tell them the scenario.
Ask for a contact name.
Trust.

Lord, I'm scared. What do I say?

Crickets.
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Far-fetched...

5/14/2019

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I was barely off the phone when the enemy pressed in hard...

Don’t go tell Brad about this. It’s outlandish and the chances that God is going to do anything to help you is is laughable! Besides no one would choose you to be the mother of their baby anyway.

I’m not sure why I ignored the lies this time when falling for them had become so natural. Certainly it wasn’t me, but Hope in me, that defied the natural response. I got off the bed and marched straight into the room where my husband was sitting and told him about our friends I hadn’t seen in ages who knows a girl in prison that is pregnant and doesn’t have a family to take her baby. And...uhhh...the baby is due in about 5 weeks.

Hmmmm.

That was his response.

Why don’t we both pray about it this week and discuss it next week.

~~~~~~~~~~~
​
Praying is exactly what I did. Or begging. The two had become synonymous by that point in my wrestling match with God and discerning between them was pointless. What mattered was that I was still wrestling. I hadn’t tapped out yet.

Over the next week, this new possibility was the focus of my time with Him.

One thing I had learned was to be thankful in my petitions...regardless of my feelings...along with worship and praise. I had learned that how I approached Him mattered because it not only gave Him the respect He deserved, but it placed me in a childlike posture with the ability to receive. He requires things of us that are for our good.

I prayed for wisdom beyond our own. For a peace that would pass understanding. For clarity. And for both of us to receive the same message regarding this trek we might step into.

I also laid out every horrible thought and fear that was poking around my thought life. I cried. I laughed. I said, “Could this be?”. And then I fully received the leaping of my heart at the possibility that the answer could be “Yes, Beloved.”

As usual, the adversary tossed me some ridicule for the new Hope in me.

This time I tossed back.

He will never leave nor forsake me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later, I was up early before work, again petitioning. I opened my Bible and before I could get to the scripture of the day, two verses popped into my mind...

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

And...

Psalm 82:3-4
Defend the weak and the fatherless;
uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.


After reading them in context, I sat quietly and let those scriptures dance around in my head for a while.

This isn't about you. Your comfort. Your lifestyle. Your finances. What you are capable of or not capable of.

At all.

It is about Me and the Hope I give. It is about a baby, who I created and for whom I have a plan.

If I can't use you, I can find someone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~

He hears us when we ramble from our hearts. He’s in touch with our fears. He knows our flaws. He sees our circumstances.

And sometimes...
...He spells out His.very.simple.Truth.
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When Hope crossed my path...

5/11/2019

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As Mother’s Day approaches, I can’t help but think about childless mommas and the pain this day can stir up for them. It is an indescribable pain...one that I know very well. I walked that road for a long time until Hope crossed my path and replaced despair. Six years ago on Mother’s Day a remarkable ordinary event occurred that set our feet on a new path and completely changed our life.

Numerous times I’ve tried to put this story into a nutshell, and every time I fall short. In the effort of it all I’ve realized that some things aren’t meant for nutshells and this story is one of them. It’s a God-Story. He is the Author and the only reason it unfolded as it did. My prayer is that Hope would find its way into the hearts of anyone who reads this, and that you would know above anything else how much God loves you and wants to bless your life with good things. He knows all about that thing that you are waiting for and He’s got a good good plan to bring it to fruition. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop hoping. And don’t stop believing.

The background...
My security blanket had become wounds from my past. I wallowed a lot in the pain and discontent of things to which I felt entitled but had not yet received. After all, most everyone I knew had what I wanted, and in my head it wasn’t an extravagant request.

A baby. That was all I wanted.

From the time I was a little girl I fully expected to be a mom...never envisioning it to be a problem. However, infertility was my reality...an unfulfilled longing and unanswered prayer for over fifteen years.

This limp I had walked with and endured for so long had become my covering and by now it was what I knew how to wear best. I wrestled God over it through a difficult marriage. I was taunted by it in the midst of divorce and mocked by it during my second round of single-hood. Hopelessness had become my banner and I had learned how to stand under it well.

The emptiness inside me was desperate to be filled, so change became my constant during that season. I moved from Denver to Austin back to Denver and then to Dallas within a span of 7 months. I worked 7 different jobs within a year and a half. Nothing satisfied or filled that pesky void that I thought only a baby could fill.

One thing didn’t change, though, and that was the presence of God in my life. Through the emotional, drama-filled twists and turns, He gently and patiently showed up and listened to my persistent petitions to give me what I wanted so I could quit bugging Him. He saw me at my worst, listened to every plea and was the target of my frustration on many occasions. Together we covered a lot of emotional ground in 15 years and He never once turned His back on me.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalm 139:8-10


So familiar with me, He's the only one who could have known that a simple phone call to my mom on Mother's Day would be the first in a chain of events to ignite hope and escort us into a long-awaited answer to prayer.

May 12, 2013 ~ Mothers Day...
This day was hard. Every year. And every year, in the days and hours leading up to Mothers Day, this was my inner conversation...

“This year it won't be difficult. I really think I'm fine. The fact that I am still childless...at [40, 41, 42, 43, 44] is not a big deal. This is never going to happen for me and it’s ok. I have a good life. God has been so faithful to bring me such a wonderful man to do life with and has given me such a wonderful second chance at love. And that’s all I really need. I should make sure, though, to stay off all social media so I won’t have to see everyone post about the wonderful ways in which they are being honored by their children. I can watch church online so I won’t feel left out and sad when they ask all the moms to stand and be recognized and given a beautiful long-stemmed flower. Go to the store on Friday so you can dodge all the men who haven’t planned ahead for their wives and are buying flowers on Mother’s Day. Yes!! This is a good plan and this is the year it will be easy.”

And then...

The sun would peek over the horizon of the Hallmark holiday and the floodgates of my heavy heart would burst and tears would flow from a place deeper and more painful than I knew existed. And for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. I mean...I had a plan!

I would wonder out loud to God,
"Will this ever not be difficult?"
"Will I ever not wonder if You have heard any of my prayers?"
"Will this longing ever completely go away?"
The enemy of my soul would whisper his usual reminder,
"No."
"No."
"No…this is never going to happen for you. You don’t deserve it. And God is laughing at you. Move on, Girl."

Burying the ache, I would resuscitate hope. Hope...that maybe next year it won't hurt quite as badly as it did this time.

~~~

I sat on the bed and leaned against the headboard. Relieved that this day was almost over, I dialed Mom and Dad. While it rang I realized that Mother's Day 2013 had proven to be no different. This, in fact was not the year it didn’t phase me. But my plan to withdraw from the world, where want and desire loom, had gotten me to the end of the day and tomorrow I would be fine.

W
hich is code for numb.

My mom's voice on the other end snapped me back into the moment. I softened at the sound of it because truly there is no other earthly voice that can soothe my distraught soul than that of my mom and dad.

She’d had a good day and recounted to me their comings and goings and the wonderful ways in which my dad honored her.

After church and lunch, we went to baccalaureate and sat behind the Kimbros. We just started visiting and they asked all about you. I told them a little bit about you and Brad, and I don’t know why but I mentioned that you all had never been able to have a baby and how hard that's been on you. And then Katie said, "I know of a baby right now that needs a home…



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